Draco Malfoy's Diary
by Skitty-Kat
Summary: What sort of things would Slytherin's famous bad boy (such a cliche phrase) write in his diary? Who cares? Maybe you do, if you choose to read it...?
1. Week 1

Draco Malfoy's Diary  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. They belong to JKR. I'm just enjoying them.  
  
This is just a random idea that I had. I'm sure it's been done before, but hey, it's catharsis. It keeps me happy and relaxed. If you like it, the review button is just at the bottom. [Looks hopeful] Please?  
  
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Day 1.  
  
A diary is the last thing I want to keep, but my analyst says that it's essential for my type of character to do so. Apparently, if I die near the end, they can read it find out that I meant well all along. Well, that's just gravy. I'm not going to go dying for any Gryffindor creeps, no matter what the readers want. I'm proud to be bad.  
  
But I might as well keep this anyway. Only because it's something to do. And I'm not going to give this diary a silly name, like some people do. It's my diary, that's all.  
  
So, what did I do today? Not much. Made a few snide comments about the size of Granger's teeth, confused Crabbe and Goyle (which, let's face it, isn't difficult) and set Peeves on Potter again. Ho hum. Not too bad.  
  
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Day 2.  
  
Too many fanfiction authors out today. I saw three Mary-Sues creeping round the Forbidden Forest, and another two trying to trip over Potter in the corridor. Don't know what they see in him. Speccy little git.  
  
Fell in love with Granger over some love potion. That is such a cliché plot device, I can't believe they're still using it. All over by suppertime, thank goodness. I get nervous when I see the Weasel growling at me. There's nothing more scary than being intimidated by a kid with one expression: terrified.  
  
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Day 3.  
  
Ha hah! Fun in potions today. Potter didn't know that adding daisy root to a dissolving potion makes it into an exploding potion. The Weasel won't have any eyebrows for weeks. Oh the joys of being evil.  
  
On a lower note, I heard that Lord Voldemort's making a comeback. No doubt it'll be in some ridiculously revenge-fuelled way, in which he tries to destroy Potter. Why do the good guys always get the limelight? Hmm, perhaps if I become a Death Eater I'll get some more storylines. Doubtful.  
  
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Day 4.  
  
Have been thinking about Death Eaters, particularly the idea of becoming one. Have decided no for the time being. Those all-over black robes do nothing for me at all. Hasn't Voldemort heard that the 'evil coven' look is so passé?  
  
Got ogled by none other than Ginny Weasley today. Don't know what she's thinking of. I'm not interested in her. Must be another fanfic thing. Some mornings I can't get out my door for all the flowers and notes. Luckily, they tend to be magic flowers, so they fade after an hour.  
  
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Day 5.  
  
Potter got thrills today from me getting a detention with Snape. The fool. He doesn't know why Snape gives me detentions. Some authors are most creative.  
  
Still, I won't Potter off lightly. I'm plotting my revenge.  
  
In other news, there's another new girl in our house. Some American. She seems suspiciously perfect, and there are definitely large areas on her chest. Ah well, she'll probably vanish soon when she realises that no one's interested.  
  
Maybe I can use her in my revenge against Potter.  
  
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Day 6.  
  
It's the perfect set up. Girl meets Potter, love potion is spilt (surreptitiously) and everyone goes away happy. Apart from Potter when the potion wears off and he realises that he's stuck with this girl. What can go wrong?  
  
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Day 7.  
  
Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.  
  
The first part of the plan worked perfectly. The pair of them went off as happy as Larry. Not a squeak all night, apart from the bedsprings, but this morning, oh boy.  
  
They actually came up to me and asked me to join in for a threesome.  
  
Urgh! Let me clean my brain of those words. I am not interested. Not in any way. No chance.  
  
Somebody save me! 


	2. Week 2

Draco Malfoy's Diary  
  
Disclaimer: As before. A work of fanfiction. No one's making money out of this. JKR's making as much as she can from the characters, but I'm not. This is just a hobby. Everyone needs a hobby. Or a Dobby.  
  
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Day 8.  
  
Very normal day today. Only one near-fatal accident in my lessons, and that was because Longbottom doesn't know the difference between a toad and a road. He jumped a mile when a lorry appeared out of thin air. Apparently he'll be out of the infirmary by the end of the week.  
  
Dumbledore came up with the idea of an inter-house mud wrestling match. I have my suspicions about some fanfiction device. I don't care if it's for the honour of the house, that old perv's not getting me covered in mud.  
  
Though it could be a good way of utterly humiliating Potter and his friends. Hmm.  
  
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Day 9.  
  
Ha! Another cunning plan has been hatched. All I need to do is make sure that Potter ends up against the boy he really fancies. I know there is someone, I just need to find out who. Shouldn't be too hard.  
  
Went into Hogsmeade today. I'd swear there are more girls there everytime I go. Ended up hiding in Zonko's until they all gave up. Found an interesting new trick. A cake that turns into an envelope of suspicious-looking powder. May try it on Crabbe.  
  
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Day 10.  
  
Made discreet enquiries as to who Potter's eyeing up these days. No one seemed to know. Well, I say that, but I mean they all seemed to know someone who he's after, but they all have different ideas. It seems that Potter is either putting it about a bit, (which wouldn't surprise me) or he's just trying to increase his chances. Ugh, he's such a male whore.  
  
Tried cake/envelope of powder trick on Crabbe. It worked a treat! He was scared out of his wits and started screaming "Anthrax! Anthrax!" The stampede out of the history class was a sight to behold. The room's been sealed off until they absolutely sure that it's safe.  
  
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Day 11.  
  
Dumbledore's little perv-fest has been arranged for next Wednesday. I'll have to attend, of course, but I'm not taking part. No way. Maybe I should persuade Crabbe and Goyle to. They're thick enough.  
  
Pansy Parkinson is starting to get on my nerves. She called me "Draco darling" today, which scared me rather a lot. She's only after my money.  
  
I hope she's only after my money.  
  
Otherwise . ew.  
  
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Day 12.  
  
We were transforming hedgehogs into doorknobs today. Pansy managed to turn hers into a dildo, and was pushing it at me most suggestively. It still looked rather prickly and uncomfortable. I tried to ignore her, but it was very difficult when she was hissing "I want you, Draco" in my ear the whole lesson.  
  
Care of Magical Creatures was a farce, as per usual. The great oaf has managed to breed Flobberworms with Blast-Ended Skrewts (a pastime of his which gives no good indication of his private life). This led to several people gaining nasty burns in rather odd places. What do some people use Flobberworms for?  
  
I had a note today on pink notepaper. It just read "Tonight. Astronomy tower. Eleven o'clock. HP."  
  
I have no idea who it's from. What kind of person uses pink notepaper anyway?  
  
And don't they know how busy the astronomy tower gets at that time?  
  
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Day 13.  
  
Potter was giving me cow-eyed looks today. I don't know what's got into him. Perhaps someone's been slipping something in his pumpkin juice. He whispered to me at breakfast "Where were you last night?"  
  
I have my suspicions about that note. But Potter using pink notepaper? That's just scary. I mean, pink? I'm a bit hung up on that. It worries me.  
  
Dumbledore announced that the mud-wrestling would be held privately, and that he would be choosing the competitors. Uh-oh.  
  
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Day 14.  
  
Another week, another Mary-Sue. This one appeared through a portal from Middle Earth. Can't these girls learn not to mix fandoms? It just leads to confusion. Last time it happened Dumbledore merged with Gandalf because they're so similar. It was horrific, though amusing to see him patting Potter on the head and calling him "young hobbit."  
  
This one became our latest DADA teacher, apparently to try and seduce Professor Snape. Or was it that she was an old flame of his? No matter. She was gone by the evening.  
  
Had to kick Crabbe and Goyle out of my bed this evening. Silly tossers. Can't they make out in one of their own beds? Though they did seem quite disappointed when I didn't join in. Perish the thought. 


End file.
